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Shelley- Red Pencil

Page history last edited by PBworks 13 years, 2 months ago

 

Group #1

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

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Raymond went outside.  He saw something that made him feel strange.

 

Raymond went jogged outside in the scary woods. He saw glanced at a bear that made him strange passed out.


Group #2

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!el

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The small animal came out of it's house.  It smelled something in the air that made it scared.

 

The Toy Poodlesmall animal  came crept out of it's house.  He  smelled sensed something   a predator in the foggy air  that made it scared tremble.


Group #3

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

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The man went to the store.  He couldn't find what he wanted, so he left.

 

The man went homeless man crawled out of his box, and wobbled to Wal-Mart. to the store .  He couldn't find what he wantedbegged for change, but he had no luck. So he left took off back to his box, crying.


Group #4

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

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 The car was making a strange noise.  Justin decided to fix it, but things went wrong.

 

 

The car Mustang Convertible was making a strange haking noise like my sick brother.  Justin decided was forced to fix it  to change the brakes, but things  the repair went wrong all down hill.


Group #5

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

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Mr. Hoffman was happy.  He had gotten a visit from a friend that had been gone for a long time.

 

Mr. Hoffman was happyfilled with joy jumping up and down with joy.He had gotten recieved a visit from a friend that hadhis old friend Steve Johnson who   been gonedisappeared for a long timesuch a long time it seemed like forever.


Group #6

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

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The wind was blowing on a cold day.  Bridget didn't want to go outside, but felt like she had to.

 

The wind was blowing like a tornado on a cold bone chilling day.  Bridget didn't want forced herself not to go outside through the chain rattling graveyard,but she had to.

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