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McInnis- Red Pencil

Page history last edited by PBworks 13 years, 2 months ago

 

Group #1

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

(To begin editing, click on the "Edit Page" button below)

 

 

Raymond went outside.  He saw something that made him feel strange.

 

Raymond wentjogged to past schooloutside from his moms.  He sawheard something a noise that madewent chicka chicka bom bom him feel strange.

 


 

Group #2

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!el

(To begin editing, click on the "Edit Page" button below)

 The small animal came out of it's house.  It smelled something in the air that made it scared.

 

 

The small animal chihuahua came out of it's His house kennelIt smelled He His animal senses tingled- something in a cloud of raining monkeys in the air dark sky that made it scared him terrified!

 


 

Group #3

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

(To begin editing, click on the "Edit Page" button below)

 The man went to the store.  He couldn't find what he wanted, so he left.

 

 

The man Zavier went roller-skated to the store Wal-mart.  He couldn't find what he was looking for Kraft's Peppercorn Ranch on sale, so he left so he stormed all the way home.

 


 

Group #4

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

(To begin editing, click on the "Edit Page" button below)

 

 

The car was making a strange noise.  Justin decided to fix it, but things went wrong.

 

The car gold lamborghini was making a strange  an awkward  noise, almost like thunder. Justin  Timberlake  the Hoboe decided to fix it repair it, but things went wrong  wacky!

 


 

Group #5

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

(To begin editing, click on the "Edit Page" button below)

 

 

Mr. Hoffman was happy.  He had gotten a visit from a friend that had been gone for a long time.

 

Mr. Hoffman was happy excited jumping up and down.!  He had gotten recieved a speical visit from a his best strangefriend, Billy Bob Tim Joe Smith that had been gone for a long time centuries.

 


 

Group #6

Revise this passage so that it is more engaging!

(To begin editing, click on the "Edit Page" button below)

 

 

 

The wind was blowing on a cold day.  Bridget didn't want to go outside, but felt like she had to.

 

The wind was blowing gushed breezed on a cold winter day.  Bridget Courtney didn't want to go outside, but because it felt like she  -10 degrees was an icesickel.

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